i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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