I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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