Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
