I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
