I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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