You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
