so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
time to smoke my breakfast
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
