Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize