mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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