i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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