we have officially lost it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
