I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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