How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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