why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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