It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
