can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
