she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
