so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
