glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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