I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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