We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
