i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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