The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
