I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
