Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
