I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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