Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
