I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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