My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
