Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
