i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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