I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
