i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
