I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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