In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
