i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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