Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
