I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
foreskin is a definite game changer
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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