how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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