He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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