I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
