I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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