Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize