I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
