i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize