if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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