She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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