Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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