I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Someone signed my nipple.
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