I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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