His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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