Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
