Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
