I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
