dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
