Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
